I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.. But it's still on the list.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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